IV: "Let it go, let it go - can't write this thing anymore...let it go, na jedno, turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're goin' to say, let the storm rage on...new goals never bothered me anyway."

The Anxious One is currently livid with the Researcher. Here I (the Writer) will record both sides' arguments without bothering to intersperse it as dialogue. They have pretty much repeated themselves steadily, nonstop, for the past week or so. It will be much more coherent ("And efficient!" piped in the Researcher) to present them this way:

The Anxious One:
"This is a really, really stupid plan. As if we don't have enough projects to do already. As if this project is among any that are actually worth doing. And don't we always tend to do this exact same thing - make a big, fat list of all kinds of interesting, worthwhile projects, and because the important ones are also usually the hardest, we just put them off and settle for the easiest ones. Kind of like some kind of debt-snowball, except instead of with money, with future time and future effort. Why should we settle? We always claim to want to do great things - why not go after the great things? Is it just some stupid self-defeating way of proving our worthlessness? This project of writing a novel about some fantasy world - but trying to pull it off as a realistic world - it's just...we don't have enough information - I will concede with you on that point - but the fact is, there is a massive amount of opportunity cost involved in acquiring the requisite information. Anyway, we all know that the real project, the one that is actually fun, engaging, interesting - somewhat worthwhile - is this one, the meta novel - the novel about writing a novel. This Mirrors of Self blog, which is meant to show some kind of glimpse inside our head, to give some kind of respite - to find a place to throw words that won't be such a terrible burden for people we actually care about. Does it matter what we write about? I guess it sort of does - but like, why does this project have to be about a dreadful, awful, pathetic book that nobody is going to want to actually read? One that we can't even finish, especially because we can barely start it! What about the raciness of the first chapter, anyway? It didn't work. Like, at all. I know you're going to argue that it's really necessary to grab the reader in the beginning - but it just totally failed. I mean, it made your sister laugh. It wasn't supposed to make anybody laugh. We really should just give up. No, no - this is not a coup - I know that you think all that I want to do is squash everybody into submissive fear and misery, but I actually am capable of reason, too. I know that Kate isn't happy when I'm behind the steering wheel - I know that you'd all be better off without me, just as I know that no matter what we may try, I'm pretty much part of the whole package deal - I know that most of my suggestions are terrible, crappy, negative, and not worth paying the slightest attention to - but the fact is, that in this case, I happen to actually be right. If I focus all of my efforts on imagining what is best for Kate, which I will admit, is difficult for me to do - I can see that this project is CATEGORICALLY STUPID. It will take too much energy - out of me, especially, yes, but really, out of YOU, Ms. Researcher! And that's to do it right; if you do your research wrong you'll be miserable. I guess I would be, too. Maybe the others wouldn't care so much - the Writer can just word-vomit her way to happiness (I had to include that - but for the record, it's not true!), the Philosopher doesn't care so long as there's a current rant going on - and the others are pretty weak and submissive most of the time (I also had to include that; also not true). But you already know how merciless a taskmaster you are and how negative and whiny I am when you're not happy. If we write a piece of crap novel, I am going to be sent into overdrive, and that will be bad for Kate's mental health. Isn't the entire point of this project is to somehow get her out of her self - somehow to get her into some kind of distracting project that results in what we have, for some unfathomable reason, determined to be the Ultimate Measure of Virtue - the writing of a physical book that Kate can someday hold in her hands and share with the world? If that's the point, if that's the honest point, then we really need to rethink the entire plan!"

The Researcher:
"This is a logical plan. We have to find something to do with all this extra energy, something that has absolutely nothing to do with any of the other projects on the table makes logical sense for a safe place to escape. There is literally no world (no plausible world) more different - more remotely distant - than post-Plague Medieval Europe, within the psyche of a rags-to-riches widowed virgin girl. I know it is bothering you that there is no way to avoid the research aspect of this novel, and am sorry for your sake that I am this way, but the truth of the matter is that if we are going to write anything even remotely resembling historical fiction, it's going to necessarily involve some amount of research. It would be an enormous failure to write about the medieval world if we didn't even at least try know about it. And the devil is in the details - of course we aren't going to be perfect, but we can at least try to come to some sort of approximation of how things might have plausibly been. Perhaps we can disprove that stupid chauvinistic theory about women of the past being complete and utter doormats by exploring the power they did have. I am positive that our efforts to read about, learn about, study, and place ourselves in that world of the past will result in a much bigger payout than you seem to think. It could actually be a pretty solid novel, in the end, if done right. Kate spent a lot of time talking about it with Danny - several really fun evenings planning out and plotting out the entire novel, with all of its myriad plot twists. I really think this could be something, but it means we have to do it right. I have done lots of research on writing methods, the Reader and I have read all kinds of interesting theories about writing novels (among other kinds of writing) - I know we can do this. If we would just stick to the schedule, to the plan, then what could go wrong! It makes sense. It will work, but we just have to do it my way. Everybody else is on board. Let's do it."

The Anxious One's Rebuttal:
"Look. Everybody else is not on board, they just really don't want to hurt your feelings. Let's take a poll from the ones who are here."

The Researcher asked, "What's the question, exactly?"

"Assuming we are going to continue this ridiculous meta-novel, should it or should it not be about the current work in progress? Yes : continue as planned, No : find a new project."

The Writer: As long as we don't throw away what we've written, and as long as we continue to write, then I do not care. Abstain.

The Reader: [instantly replayed an image of Kate curled up by the fire under a blanket with a neon yellow highlighter, reading about Statistics in Corpus Linguistics.]. As the Writer, I interpret that to be a No. Since the Reader-cat is purring, it seems my guess was correct.

The Philosopher: "What we have here is a problem of prioritization. How we prioritize our projects wholly depends on why we value certain things more than others. Assuming we are out for the Greater Good of Kate herself, the collective whole including the part that involves living in a physical world, I think we should be looking for something that is more of a high-rewards, low-stakes project. The rewards will probably be measured in recognition - the more instantaneous, the better. I guess the stakes would be measured in how much additional time has to be spend researching. So, basically, no."

The Mystic: "I agree with the Philosopher this time. Less time at the computer is probably better for our health anyway. No."

Dorky McDorkface: "But! Medieval Europe! It's like, THE COOLEST THING! YES!"

The Student: "I want to focus more on Czech. And if not Czech, than corpus linguistics. And if not corpus linguistics, than something else. No."

The Teacher: "Hmm? I get a vote? I am pretty neutral. Abstain."

The Believer: "In Stake Conference last weekend there was a talk that literally warned us against closing up inside a shell of ourselves, ignoring the real world and the people around us who really need help. They talked about how we would be much happier if we avoided these things: pride, contention, fear, distraction. I am sure that this project falls under 'distraction.' We should give it up entirely and devote all of our free time to serving others. No."

The Maternal One: "Well, it'd be a good example of sticking to one's goals and pursuing a fun, academic pursuit. Those are valuable for our children to see. But I guess they wouldn't really see it much. I dunno. I think we could change the project slightly to make it be more in line with my goals. No."

The Sexy One: [Her chair was empty. While she is definitely alive and well, she doesn't hang out with us very often. When she does, she doesn't have a whole lot to say - at least, that is worth repeating. Abstain]

The Good Friend: "I have no strong opinions about this. Can I vote - neutral?" "You have to pick one or abstain," said the Researcher. "I guess...then I abstain?"

The Tragic Romantic: "GUYS! I know what project we can do next!"

"You have to vote first!" said the Anxious One. The Researcher scowled. "Actually, she doesn't. I've been outnumbered. Our novel about medieval Europe is out." 

I, the Writer, will just put it somewhere in the writing folder with all those other future writing projects. 

"Don't you want to know what it is?!" the Tragic Romantic squealed like an adolescent teenage girl. "Guys! GUYS! It's...it's..."

"Don't come right out and just say it," said the Anxious One sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Everybody could tell that she was actually in quite a good mood. It was difficult for her to win arguments with the Researcher. Meanwhile, the Researcher was looking a little bit sullen. It wouldn't last long, especially not with a new project.

"Poetry!" 

Everybody's ears perked up. Both the Researcher and the Anxious One groaned in unison.

"Well. I guess that is a perfect example of a low-stakes, high-rewards project!" said the Philosopher.

"I'll be relegated to the role of looking up words in a Thesaurus and a Rhyming Dictionary. That's...that's really...nice." The Researcher was not happy at all about this. Not enough meat in this project, perhaps.

"It's embarrassingly stupid, there is no value in poems, and who's gonna wanna read any of it? Nobody!" the Anxious One was scowling.

"Hey, come now. You can't use that as an excuse against both projects," I, the Writer, said. "I mean, nobody is going to read what we write anyway." 

The Good Friend said, "You guys have such little faith in your siblings and friends. Haven't you paid attention, like, at all to how much they like to read what you write? Sarah will read and illustrate your poems."

The Tragic Romantic was pacing back and forth. She was really excited now. "Guys! I made a list over the weekend about things we could write poems about!" 

The Good Friend said, "This would be an excellent project for you and your sister, you know. Give you something interesting to talk about that isn't...too...well..."

"...connected to the ongoing tragedy of daily life?" said the Tragic Romantic.

The Good Friend shrugged. "Something like that." 

The Researcher said, "You know, this isn't half a bad idea. I am pretty sure we could do this, and do it well. You pretty much are always scribbling ideas in your piles of notebooks, Tragic Romantic, and if we combine it with a little bit of thought-out craft..."

"It must rhyme. That's my only condition. Craft matters," said the Philosopher.

"We already have stacks and stacks of original poetry written from when we were a lot younger, you know," said the Writer. 

"Here are some of my ideas for a poetry anthology we could call 'Kate's Wrath'" 

"OOOH! It could be the Kates of Wrath! You know...like...the Grapes...of Wrath!" said Dorky McDorkface. Not very many of them listened to her (not that they ever did); instead they started thinking about how a Poetry Anthology would change things within the Mirrors of Self. 

Most of them were extremely satisfied with the new plan.

* * *

1. I don't know how to play the organ but was asked to do so anyway in church
2. They arranged the class so I couldn't teach it, but was expected to
3. The nasty, mean girls who didn't come to my birthday party when I was 12
4. My role, i.e. Weltschmerz
5. Being ghosted
6. Feelings of not being included in my family
7. Crafting vs. basketball
8. The Boring Bookclub
9. Ode to Laundry
10. When's it my turn?
11. I hate the city
12. Breasts suck ("hahaha that could have some really great wordplay!")
13. On buying a bra in America
14. Lingerie is...very silly ("Okay, let's get off of this theme here RIGHT NOW," said the Anxiou One)
15. Being a "Good girl"
16. I can't sleep
17. The guy I like is gay
18. NCMO
19. My husband is insensitive
20. Terseness
21. Editing a book
22. I'm never going to write a book
23. The Syrian war
24. Blog templates ("That is really, really insenstive juxtoposition between 23 and 24, you know." "I can't help being so flighty," said the Tragic Romantic)
25. My friends live over the sea
26. Geographically challenged friendships
27. Shared interests and distance and the relationship between the two
28. My husband makes fun of me constantly
29. The diaper pail in the mother's nursing lounge
30. Never getting emails back
31. Waiting for letters
32. The Greatest Showman
33. Jeremy
34. Sarah shoving my words in my face, making me eat them
35. Skipping a grade
36. Husband's magic computer touch, it's only broken when you're not here to fix it
37. Grouchiness about my calling
38. My invisible polygamous ancestors
39. Jealous of Yvette
40. "I'm sorry I have a y chromosome"
41. Postpartum body
42. Anxiety
43. Nobody will join my hypothetical book club
44. Planning mutual
45. Feedback
46. Computer Cave
47. Reverse iron curtain
48. Cultural appropriation
49. Facebook ("There could me a great many poems written about that one!")
50. Hatred faded, futility
51. standing too closely
52. Gamifying interpersonal relationships with Bingo Boards ("What's wrong with that?" asked Dorky McDorkface)
53. That cat image that really bothered me a lot
54. Lack of craft in art
55. Lack of art in craft
56. I pissed off the guided painter teacher
57. I painted the door when I was 16 as an act of non-violent protest.
58. Overwhelmed by my enthusiasm
59. My talents are a threat
60. How much money does your wife make, what does your wife "do"
61. Weak macho men
62. Feeling self centered
63. Birthdays are terrible
64. Worrying about my in-laws liking me
65. I gave birth to a baby and nobody even cared
66. Corpus linguistics to solve interpersonal relationships
67. Oh! You're not just a creation inside my head! What a relief!
68. Obscure interests
69. Paint me with my own #%$@ shoulders
70. I've never been to your work, my love
71. Remote control that never works
72. Are you mad at me
73. James Chippelo the Third
74. Unsourced drivel
75. Cheated on a test and I didn't need to
76. Crazy
77. Looking for something; can't find it
78. Ennui
79. Feeling like a slave to entropy
80. Single use plastic
81. I have to go to sleep
82. I have to wake up
83. I can't go to sleep
84. Misunderstood
85. Humiliation
86. When my husband feels helpless to help me

87. Visiting teacher insulting me
88. Feeding the baby
89. I have to go to a store. UGH
90. Missed calls
91. Unreplied to emails
92. Pity
93. Pity Friends
94. Psalms
95. The terrible toll of pregnancy
96. Losing all my interests
97. Stupid comments in Stake Conference
98. Scriptures were all written by men and how is that fair
99. My husband thinks my concerns are petty ("I guess the readers should know that list was compiled by both Kate and Danny on a very long car ride recently, and that this one was mostly his idea of a joke.)
100. Parents who don't listen
101. Self defeating secrets
102. Shame for my verboseness
103. Overdrafting occassionally
104. Very unlikely friendships
105. Invisible barriers
106. Backseat driving
107. Sisters don't ask my advice
108. Medicine that makes you sicker rather than better
109. Trump 2020 ("Oooh some kind of fun wordplay with hindsight being 20/20!")
110. I sometimes am cruel to sister missionaries because I ask them things they couldn't possibly know about the historical sites at which they always give tours
111. Shaving legs is stupid
112. My high heels always aerate the lawn

"I've thought of a bunch more since then, too!" said the Tragic Romantic.

"Too bad, we have to go get the kids a snack right now," said the Maternal One.